Jokes. Warning: some may be dirty. Parental supervision reccomended.

What does a white woman make for dinner? Reservations.

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names.

Underage girl, sucking on daddy's cock, gets jizzed on all over he ... Oh I'm sorry, I thought this was a google image search.

The Maori Party are complaining about not having enough Maori's on T.V ... TVNZ responded by screening Police 10-7 seven nights a week.

How many paedophiles can you fit in my Mini? Just me. The other seats are for the kids.

I got stopped by a woman in the street today. She said,"Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?" I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now".

A bloke goes into the doctors and says, "I've got a mole on my dick, can you remove it please?" So the chap pulls his trousers and pants down, and the doc says, "Yes sir, I can remove that mole ... but I'm afraid I'm going to have to report you to the SPCA".

I was walking through town today and a woman stopped me and said "Hi, I'm from the spastics society and we're having a collection today could you help us?"
"I am sorry," I said, "I don't actually have any spastics."
I've never been called a cunt by a charity worker before.

I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"? Fucking firemen.

What's big, Scottish and depressing? Scotland.

They say you'll never forget your first kiss. This was mine.
Her name was Sally and she lived next door. My best friend, well for all of that summer. So out playing one day down by the farm, we'd stopped for shelter from a shower of rain in an old barn. I was playfully running my fingers through Sally's hair when she st...arted to kiss me; her mouth slightly open, I could feel her tongue with mine. It was my first real kiss, and I loved it. I fell head over heels in love that day. We often visited the barn during that long, hot summer and it didn’t stop at just kissing, but sadly a couple of months later Sally was involved in a car accident and had to be put down.

Ferrari's Formula 1 team manager decided to employ some Maori teenagers as their pit crew. This was because of their renowned skill at removing car wheels quickly. At the first practice session, not only did they change all 4 wheels in 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged & sold the fucker to... the McLaren team for 8 cases of Tui, a bag of weed, a KFC family bucket and a ratty old, matte black Skyline with no front kit.

What's the best thing about fucking 23 year olds? There's 20 of them.

Clearasil have released a new product called Haiti earthquake. It wipes 200,000 black heads at once.

"iPad is thin. iPad is beautiful." My laptop developed an eating disorder because of that advert.

I've just been sacked from my job at the deli counter for sticking my cock into the bacon slicer. She got fired as well.

What do you call a spastic in a wheelchair? Anything you want, they"ll just smile and try to hug you.

Yeah this is a long one, bear with me.

Calling me weird is an understatement. I have a twisted sense of humour and am attracted to guys that nobody else seems to notice. I don't really feel the cold. Never wore a school jersey for ages and everyone was like "omg aren't you cold?" but it's not like I was in any danger of frostbite and concequential amputation that would follow. I have an email address called katehatesyourface@yahoo.co.nz but I don't remember the last time I used it. I'm not a person who thrives in a party atmosphere and likes meeting new people. I hate school but would be bored shitless if I was home-schooled. I have a thing for techno music now. For some you have to prepare yourself. "For what?" you may say. The answer? To have your shit rocked, bitch. I like some metal music also but I haven't yet explored the vast world of it. There is one particular song that is all screaming and cymbals and shrieking guitar that I listen to when throwing kittens against a wall. Kidding about the last part. See, that is an example of my humour. Dead baby jokes are also mint. I am seriously damaged goods.

I like to laugh at other's misfortune. I think Taylor Lautner has a face like a smacked bum. No idea what my friends (cough cough, Megan) see in him. But Rupert Grint, on the other hand. He is gorgeous. Everyone knows he's my number one celebrity crush. Yes, i'm being serious. Shut up. And Zac Efron? ew. Call me when he grows some balls and I might reconsider. When people ask me if I like him, part of me is tempted to say "yes, of course, and I also have a 15-inch dick", being the sarcastic little hoe that I am.

I hate physics. Just elaborating on the previous "I hate school" comment. Boys distract me also. I always find myself glancing at them in class when I should be concentrating. Sometimes one in particular is a big distraction. It's like a maddening, unscratchable itch on the inside of my skull when he has captured my interest long-term. Back to physics, the class is like a pack of sedated zoo animals when the teacher is explainning something and showing off his brain-calculator abilities. I am so lost in that class. Holy crap my report from him was ugly. Mr NameObscured basically implied I should drop physics and take up basket-weaving (he mentioned basket-weaving previously as an alternative for those who can't handle the whaledick sized task of mastering level two physics). When I got given my report I thought I should probably start planning my funeral music because I was sure mum would go apeshit. So I put off giving it to her for 3 weeks and fabricated a story about why it was late.

The thought of the upcoming exams is damaging my emotional stability. But not as much as some people ... if I don't pass - of course I care - but not really that much. I'm not going to cry about it. I will just sit at home in front of the tv, possessed by the biscuit demon, and eat.

So this is the conclusion of my saturday evening mental clutter release.

people ... ugh

I hate it when I'm walking from where the bus drops me off to my driveway, and people wave at me as I'm walking. I think "don't you fucking wave at me you creepy fuck, keep driving" because it mildly irritates me. It's ok if they know me but I haven't encountered anyone who does.

love getting off topic

Mum and John were sitting at the dining table working on John's essay on "The fat boy" and they were arguing a bit because Mum wasn't quite grasping the essay question. She kept describing the physical attributes of the main character instead of describing what he was like, which led John to say "when you're describing spongebob you don't say that he's a little sponge" and that made me crack up; dissolving the tense atmosphere. We were all laughing about that and we kept, like, getting over it and stop laughing but one person would still be chuckling to themself which made the others start again. I had to leave the room in the end as I was choking on my dinner slightly. Quite a funny evening, since it could have ended with yelling and frustration. Love you spongebob :)

Almost as funny as when I seat-belted the bag of potatoes in the back seat this afternoon :P

i know i say this heaps

I'm so fucking sick of having a violent brother who has anger management problems. He lashed out at me today for what should have been nothing at all. I wouldn't watch a youtube video that he wanted me to and it was my turn on the computer. I didn't cry until he was gone though which was good for me. Mum isn't home yet and things would have been different if she was. I feel defenseless when it's just me and John at home but it's not mum's fault that she has to work. John takes things too far and doesn't know when enough is enough. If I'm say something mean to him, he's twice as mean back and seems to think it's fair. I really wish I was an only child. So bad.

not gonna do that again

It would be unsurprising for me to write about the school/gunman/lockdown thing that occurred this morning but nah.

I was talking to a guy named Brian on Omegle and he was really cool and funny but then he started telling me he loved me and all this shit. He wrote me a poem and told me he would move to NZ to be with me. He kept changing his story, like "I'm in high school" then "I work for the government" and other scenarios. And then he started talking a bit dirty. This encounter has put me off Omegle for a while. Be internet-safe people.

These are probably not that accurate

"But the fourth kind, there's nothing more frightening than the fourth. You see, that one is when they abduct you"

"These facts do appear to be real" "They are real goddammit"

"There's something outside my door. It's gonna open it! The door's opening! Oh my God! Oh my God!! No! Noooo! (screams)"

"A beam of light came down and they took her. They took my little girl up into the sky. I saw it, August, I saw it! They took her through the ceiling"

"Holy shit, there's something above the Tyler house, a beam of light and it's sucking them up through the roof"

"All I can see is an owl but I know it's not an owl"

"The worse part was the voice inside my head. They talk to you so you can hear them but they also talk inside your mind"